Winds of Change

Self Discovery

It’s official. I have figured out one of my absolute greatest needs. It is completely necessary for me to be on the move, yet have a place to come back to. All that this means to me is that I am a perfect mix of my parents. My mom is very much of a community person, who requires a place to call home, and friends which are a 100 percent support network. However, my dad is much different. He requires change, new projects and experiences. When I was little, on many weekends we all went hiking together. We would get to the trail, no matter how far away it actually was, and then do the hike, but when we got back to the car, my mom and dad always fought about how to get back home. My dad never wanted to go back the way we came because it had been done, and there was something new to see if we went the other way. My mom on the other hand just wanted to get home at this point because for her the adventure was done, and she just wanted to get back home. The part that my dad never wanted to tell my mom, yet she always knew, was that the different way back was usually longer, largely gravel roads, with twists and turns with some sudden mountainside drop-off immediately next to the car. For her, this wasn’t an adventure, it was just annoying.

I’m their totally hybrid. The itchy feet, the need to just get up and go, and the need for constant change is something which I have in many ways taken to a new level from my dad. However, I need a community, a family, and a place to call home. I need to be able to have somewhere to come back to. It’s taken a long time for me to realize how necessary both of these things are in my life; however, here I am.

Until now, I had kind of known how important both were to me, but I had never actually realized that both were necessary at the same time. Yet, now I realize that they must coexist rather than operate in phases. My mom has always said that I have itchy feet, but it’s much more than that. Yes, the need to get up and go is absolutely necessary for me, but it’s also like my dad. I need change, I need something different. Doing the same things is just as difficult as going the same places. However, I still need that support network, the sense of a home. You know the feeling that when you get home it’s so nice to be back in a place where everything is familiar, where everyone knows you and you know everyone, where the people you really love and care about have a place to share with you, and where you know can have a sense of normalcy that nowhere else can ever hold.

So how did I come to this? Here I am in Namibia, on the other side of the planet from my normal stomping grounds, and yet I have felt that need creeping up on me for a while again. I now have routines, a sense of a normal life, and it’s driving me crazy. Tomorrow, I leave for Windhoek for training and then to go up to see Victoria Falls. In this, I will be gone for almost a month. However, there are many reasons that I am excited. For starters, this is new, and I have been craving to do something that is out of the normal again. However, it is also that I am getting a chance to see many people who really understand me. It’s a chance to mix both of my needs, and I couldn’t be more excited.

In fact for the first time in months, I have a sense of that rare kind of happiness which is nearly uncontrollable. I cannot even remember the last time that I have been completely and utterly consumed by happiness in this way. When I first came here, there was a lot that I felt like I was leaving behind, and a sense of guilt kind of kept me from this feeling. However, when left unbridled, this feeling is intoxicating, and is honestly necessary. This is what I have to live on.

For me, this is the reason that I want to work in disaster situations around the world. Not only do I get to help the people whom I interact with, but I also get to go for a few months at a time before changing places, jobs, and more. Every situation is required to be completely adaptable, and for me, that couldn’t be a better situation. However, I also get to come home. Come to a place where I can recharge, be with the people I love; however, then it’s just as important that I get to go into the unknown again.

So in the long term, this makes sense to me; however, I only have questions for myself about the next two years. How will I be able to balance my needs with a semi-permanent type position? How can I travel enough for my own needs? What are my needs while I’m still here? The questions just keep rolling; yet there are some certainties.